#everythingatonce

No sense trying to do everything at once.

Something in me has derailed. I don’t know what it is but I’ve been consumed with doing all the things, as many as possible, as fast as I can. And it’s not making me happy.

Initially, I started doing new activities out of interest, to pass the time, and to reintroduce myself to the public.

But that’s not how it feels anymore. Now I’m terrified of sitting still. Time has become so compressed and I’m so worried about not existing that I can’t spend an evening at home.

I’m frantic and panicky and tearful without cause.

I don’t have the answers, I don’t know how to solve this. But I do have a point.

No sense trying to do everything at once.

I’m going to work on regaining my focus. Zero-in on what’s actually important to me.

I’m going to focus on friends and family and fitness and let the rest fall where they may.

I’m going to focus on my health and happiness and hope the everything else clicks into place.

It will all be ok.

— KM

#phrases

There are many phrases that stick in my head. Lodged in there as I repeat them over and over again.

Phrases that distract me from intrusive thoughts [A is for Apple] or phrases that remind me I am very small and no one is actually thinking about that thing I said and therefore there is no need to worry so much [Regarde le Ciel].

Some phrases pop in and only stick around for a little while but I love them just the same. This week it’s “What’s the worst that can happen?”

I am waiting for a dance class to start. Beginners salsa.

This means it’s partner dancing and I’ve signed up by myself, but “what’s the worst that can happen?” It sucks, I suck, I’m embarrassed, my partner sucks, I’m left alone without a partner? These are all possibilities. None of which will kill me.

I’m applying the same principles to dating. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? A guy I like ditches me? Already happened. Multiple times. I embarrass myself? Yup, done that. He turns out to be seeing someone else? Check!

What I’m learning and what I’m trying to say is — it will all be ok. Because, what’s the worst that can happen?

— KM

#uhoh

Shit. I’m doing it again. I’m falling for someone. Haven’t I learned? Don’t I know this is not how you should behave?

I’m 31. I’m an adult who should know better than to get so attached to people. I know this will end. It always does. And yet I’m spending all this time thinking about someone who probably forgets I exist.

And there again, I’m lying. Being dramatic. But I’m freaking out because I don’t know how to handle myself because I am a romantic. I don’t want to be. I want to be practical and reasonable but I can’t. I get consumed. And eventually, I’ll just get spit out. Rejected and hurt and feeling foolish.

— KM

#odetomen

Why are they like this?

I shouldn’t generalize, that’s not right and I’m not a hater. I don’t want to be angry and I gain no pleasure from such shallow thinking. This isn’t who I am.

I’m actually lovely. Funny, quick to laugh, passionate, nerdy. But regrettably, I’m also very, very naive.

I fell for someone who pursued and promised but then he hid. I put him behind me, pushed past the loss, and moved forward. But then I got a call. From his wife.

I wasn’t ready for this. I feel so small, so lost, and confused. I need to be able to trust myself and that’s all falling apart. I’m not coping well.

— KM

#excuseme?

Excuse me?

How about you say that to my face?

How about before you decide my breakup didn’t mean than much to me — and therefore my relationship, which was my whole world, didn’t mean that much to me — you actually ask me how I’m doing?

You haven’t even tried.

You’re assuming I’m ok. And because you’re assuming I’m ok, you’re judging my response to my breakup. Saying that it couldn’t have meant too much to me because I’m so ‘ok’. That I knew it was going to end. That I had already accepted it. That’s fucking bullshit. I’m sorry. You have no idea.

You don’t know me at all. You didn’t even ask. You took your own pathetic excuse for life experience and applied to me.

I’m appalled.

— KM

#girlsjustwanna

Have fun right?

That’s my goal. Have fun.

I’m just trying to live, seek new experiences, and indulge in pleasure of all forms. You will not shame me.

I have set aside this time, an undisclosed number of months, for myself. I am committing to giving this time to me. To develop and heal and become who I am. Not only to be physically healthier, but mentally stronger. I am determined not to let arrant chatter pull me down. No one’s words are worthy of more attention than my own.

In the end, I am what matters.

— KM

#impulsecontrol

Guys, I did something crazy. I mean, that’s what you’re supposed to do after a breakup right? Cut off all your hair, party on a tropical island, eat all the bon-bons. But I don’t think this is business as usual.

Sure, I’ve done some of the expected post-breakup activities. A few nights on the town, a few new people if you’re hearing me. But what I really wanted was a splurge. To buy something for myself that I’ve always wanted. That cost too much money and was a little over-the-top.

Guys! I bought a chair! Last, I whipped out the plastic and treated myself to the sexiest leather chair I’ve ever seen. It’s massive and warm and I can’t wait to cozy up inside of it like an snugly Bond villain.

It’s what I’ve always wanted but could never bring myself to buy. I love me and I deserve this.

— KM

#BellLetsTalk

So this isn’t a photography post. It’s a me post. Because why not? It’s pretty much Canadian Mental Health Day after-all.

I got dumped. 6 years and now it’s over. I couldn’t breath or think or accept it was happening. I begged and pleaded but nothing. Just nothing. So I called my parents to tell them the news. And this is why I writing — they were perfect.

My mom swore, said she was sorry and immediately asked if I wanted to come home. I did. When I got there, we talked and I cried and they consoled me and fed me and distracted me with all sorts of updates about family and friends and their world.

To add to the amazing response of my parents, my darling sister, who worked 7-7 that day, came over for the night and we all hung out and watched movies and just existed like the family we are.

It’s been 20 days now. I talk to my family more than I have in ages, sharing all sorts of babbling thoughts. I’m cheery, almost energetic. Because I have them. Because they’re there for me everyday. Everyone I’ve talked to, the few people I’ve told or have been told, has been exceptional.

What I’m trying to say is — find your support. Find those people in your life that will be there for you. You will hit bumps in the road but their support can carry you forward.

— KM

Gallery.

All photography by me.

 

@ Carrick-a-rede

Near Donegal

On the trails @ The Giant’s Causeway

Sea anemone

The first bloom of the new year.

@ Carrick-a-rede

All photography presented in this gallery is my own work. You are welcome to share a photo from this gallery or other posts, however, please give credit and link back to monstermonster. Thank you!

 

Hello again.

Hi. I haven’t been here in a long time. But I will be as I sort it all out.

so I moved and then I moved again

from guelph, to guelph and now toronto! it’s been a busy 6 months but after 2 moves we are finally settled in our new home.

– KM

personal thought | on offending people

This past weekend I visited Guelph’s Print Expo that is a part of Kazoo Fest. There I picked up a few little prints including this gem from Stubbs Letterpress.

I think this phrase tickled me because it can be taken in a number of different ways. The first I thought of is, “I will probably offend you, so get used to it. I have opinions that I will express and you should accept that.” Now that’s not typically how I feel and act, but it is a likely meaning.

My second idea suits me better, “I will probably offend you at some point”, meaning “somewhere along the line I will step on my own tongue and speak out of turn. It may offend you, I apologize.

This second thought is less likely the print-maker’s original idea, but it has me thinking.

As I have expressed before I can be an anxious person and this is mostly felt in social situations. I am terribly afraid that I may say something that could offend someone and so can seem quiet in conversation. After I warm up I will share my opinions and ideas but it takes a little while. Interestingly if I state an opinion and then realize that it wasn’t fully formed and that opinion has changed I feel awful. It’s a strange gut wrenching moment when I discover that a belief I carried and shared no longer applies.

I think this is something that happens as we shift and adapt as people, but it is spooky. And a little embarrassing to be caught with a half-formed opinion based on lazy research.

Anywhoo, thank you for reading my rambles and I promise we’ll be back to our regular programming later in the week * ;)

New Year, New Start

The first bloom of the new year.

I love this time of year!

Everyone has shed the stress of the previous year and is wonderfully optimistic about the months to come.

Ready, set, go!

Always, always …

Always, always backup your hard drive. – Me

In an unfortunate event, my laptop’s hard drive died last night. Along with it went two years of personal photographs and countless images and documents I’ve collected from the web. It is a difficult lesson but one I have now learned.

We can and will rebuild!

strange treasured object: #1 the Grecian brick

Does anyone have an unusual or uncharacteristic treasure object?

I have a few, including this brick from a highschool trip from Greece. I found it on a beach and have toted it from house to house for the last 8 years. A lovely little token from my first trans-Atlantic travels.

My beloved brick.

Something to share …

Something to share …

I’ve been feeling introspective today, so I thought it’d be nice to post something about myself to share.

I am an anxious person.

I’m still trying to figure out what that means and deciding how to proceed. But I absolutely certain that I am anxious a lot and that it has stalled my life from time to time.

Without speaking to a professional (i.e. I have no formal diagnosis), I think most of my troubles are related social anxiety, but there maybe be other facets too that I’ve yet to examine.

So, with that off my mind, click the link! It’s a lovely list of comics via Buzzfeed that attempt to capture the frustration of having an anxiety disorder. I enjoyed it, I hope you do too!

From http://everybodyhasabrain.tumblr.com/

This is not vandalism.

I live in a quirky city that loves its artists and their art. That includes graffiti. I personally love most of it, but I doubt I’m in the majority.

Text reads, “This is not vandalism, this is art. In a way.”