#holymacaroni

holy macaroni. it’s 6 months later.

6 months I couldn’t summarize if I tried.  it’s been a roller-coaster. but I made it. I’m on the other side. and frankly, I’m happy.

in the last 6 months I have lived so fucking hard it’s bananas. I’m so proud of myself for getting through it too. it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows.

I had to stand up for myself and risk rocking the boat. risk capsizing it completely, if I’m  being honest. but it was worth it. even if it hadn’t worked out, it’s still worth it.

I could ramble forever about how I feel but this isn’t the place. instead, here’s something I’ve thought about.

12 months ago, I could have never pictured my life as it is today. if you had told me, I’d be living on my own, that I’d done all the amazing things I’ve done. I’d tell you you’re nuts. what’s cool to realize is that 12 months from now, it could be the same thing. I have no idea what the future holds. I know what I’m excited to do. excited to try, and experience but there is just so much out there. who knows what I’ll get up to!

so, if you’re feeling trapped or crazy. just think, 12 months from now, this will all be behind me. and remember to breathe.

— KM

#everythingatonce

No sense trying to do everything at once.

Something in me has derailed. I don’t know what it is but I’ve been consumed with doing all the things, as many as possible, as fast as I can. And it’s not making me happy.

Initially, I started doing new activities out of interest, to pass the time, and to reintroduce myself to the public.

But that’s not how it feels anymore. Now I’m terrified of sitting still. Time has become so compressed and I’m so worried about not existing that I can’t spend an evening at home.

I’m frantic and panicky and tearful without cause.

I don’t have the answers, I don’t know how to solve this. But I do have a point.

No sense trying to do everything at once.

I’m going to work on regaining my focus. Zero-in on what’s actually important to me.

I’m going to focus on friends and family and fitness and let the rest fall where they may.

I’m going to focus on my health and happiness and hope the everything else clicks into place.

It will all be ok.

— KM

#phrases

There are many phrases that stick in my head. Lodged in there as I repeat them over and over again.

Phrases that distract me from intrusive thoughts [A is for Apple] or phrases that remind me I am very small and no one is actually thinking about that thing I said and therefore there is no need to worry so much [Regarde le Ciel].

Some phrases pop in and only stick around for a little while but I love them just the same. This week it’s “What’s the worst that can happen?”

I am waiting for a dance class to start. Beginners salsa.

This means it’s partner dancing and I’ve signed up by myself, but “what’s the worst that can happen?” It sucks, I suck, I’m embarrassed, my partner sucks, I’m left alone without a partner? These are all possibilities. None of which will kill me.

I’m applying the same principles to dating. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? A guy I like ditches me? Already happened. Multiple times. I embarrass myself? Yup, done that. He turns out to be seeing someone else? Check!

What I’m learning and what I’m trying to say is — it will all be ok. Because, what’s the worst that can happen?

— KM

Summer Gardens

I’m in love with summer.

Taking in as many sights as I can.

Enjoy a few blooms from my mum’s garden earlier in May. Classic subject, classic location.

— KM

#uhoh

Shit. I’m doing it again. I’m falling for someone. Haven’t I learned? Don’t I know this is not how you should behave?

I’m 31. I’m an adult who should know better than to get so attached to people. I know this will end. It always does. And yet I’m spending all this time thinking about someone who probably forgets I exist.

And there again, I’m lying. Being dramatic. But I’m freaking out because I don’t know how to handle myself because I am a romantic. I don’t want to be. I want to be practical and reasonable but I can’t. I get consumed. And eventually, I’ll just get spit out. Rejected and hurt and feeling foolish.

— KM

Cherry Blossoms

A Toronto tradition, where people from all over the city make the pilgrimage to High Park to see the glorious cherry trees in their Spring bloom.

I haven’t attended in a couple of years, but time — as with everything now — I participated. I sauntered into the park, snapping away. I lay down on the grass and enjoyed the warm weather and the people and most of all the trees.

— KM

#odetomen

Why are they like this?

I shouldn’t generalize, that’s not right and I’m not a hater. I don’t want to be angry and I gain no pleasure from such shallow thinking. This isn’t who I am.

I’m actually lovely. Funny, quick to laugh, passionate, nerdy. But regrettably, I’m also very, very naive.

I fell for someone who pursued and promised but then he hid. I put him behind me, pushed past the loss, and moved forward. But then I got a call. From his wife.

I wasn’t ready for this. I feel so small, so lost, and confused. I need to be able to trust myself and that’s all falling apart. I’m not coping well.

— KM

Water colour practice

I’ve been practicing! And I am going to be devoting more time to this. I enjoy it, it relaxes me, it challenges me. It is all good, all around.

KMarshall_watercolour1

KMarshall_watercolour2

KMarshall_watercolour3

— KM

#excuseme?

Excuse me?

How about you say that to my face?

How about before you decide my breakup didn’t mean than much to me — and therefore my relationship, which was my whole world, didn’t mean that much to me — you actually ask me how I’m doing?

You haven’t even tried.

You’re assuming I’m ok. And because you’re assuming I’m ok, you’re judging my response to my breakup. Saying that it couldn’t have meant too much to me because I’m so ‘ok’. That I knew it was going to end. That I had already accepted it. That’s fucking bullshit. I’m sorry. You have no idea.

You don’t know me at all. You didn’t even ask. You took your own pathetic excuse for life experience and applied to me.

I’m appalled.

— KM

Allan Gardens #2

Where is the time going? How is it Spring?

How is it April?!

Soon I will be be outside, with cherry blossoms and magnolias. But for now I will bask in the glory that is Allan Gardens. allangardens5

allengardens6allengardens8

— KM

#girlsjustwanna

Have fun right?

That’s my goal. Have fun.

I’m just trying to live, seek new experiences, and indulge in pleasure of all forms. You will not shame me.

I have set aside this time, an undisclosed number of months, for myself. I am committing to giving this time to me. To develop and heal and become who I am. Not only to be physically healthier, but mentally stronger. I am determined not to let arrant chatter pull me down. No one’s words are worthy of more attention than my own.

In the end, I am what matters.

— KM

Allan Gardens

I love a good green house. There is something so special about them, especially in winter — cozy, humid, lush. I visited Allan Gardens here in Toronto recently, here are a few of my fave snaps.

allangardens1allangardens2allangardens3
— KM

#impulsecontrol

Guys, I did something crazy. I mean, that’s what you’re supposed to do after a breakup right? Cut off all your hair, party on a tropical island, eat all the bon-bons. But I don’t think this is business as usual.

Sure, I’ve done some of the expected post-breakup activities. A few nights on the town, a few new people if you’re hearing me. But what I really wanted was a splurge. To buy something for myself that I’ve always wanted. That cost too much money and was a little over-the-top.

Guys! I bought a chair! Last, I whipped out the plastic and treated myself to the sexiest leather chair I’ve ever seen. It’s massive and warm and I can’t wait to cozy up inside of it like an snugly Bond villain.

It’s what I’ve always wanted but could never bring myself to buy. I love me and I deserve this.

— KM

Toronto Light Festival By-Laws and Ordinances #3

TorontoLightFestival_by-laws3
No slipping. No sliding.
No jazzhands. No smoking.
No joking. No midnight toking.
No blaming others.
No cynics. No keeping your feelings secret.
(But don’t just blurt them out either0
No picking our nose.
No garlic tonight if you are on a first date.
No looking at your phone.
No negativity. No pessimism.
No waiting for the future.
No overreacting.
No worrying.
(Unless you are reading this sign outside the pearly gates)
No grudges.
No hanging out with unhappy people.
No reading any further.
Hey, no reading any further!
No clinging. No complacency.
No hating. No looking at the time.
No secrets. No jealousy.
Have fun. Hold hands. Keep warm.

— KM

 

Toronto Light Festival By-Laws and Ordinances #2

TorontoLightFestival_by-laws2

No postings. No posters.
No signs.
(Including this one)
No shouting. No cussing.
No nepotism. No jerks.
No sugar. No calories. No gluten.
No grudges. No lying.
(Except about your age or the reason you didn’t text back this morning)
No stink eye. No art critics.
No pretentious gazing.
No over analyzing the sculptures.
No dump pick up lines. No ghosts.
No trick-or-treating.
No foam or bubble parties.
No drugs. No puking.
No strutting. No loud music.
(Unless it is ours)
No saying “no” unless it is necessary.
No cannibalism. No headhunting.
No fox hunting. Actually no hunting anything at all.

— KM

 

Toronto Light Festival By-Laws and Ordinances #1

TorontoLightFestival_by-laws1

No swimming. No complaining.
No shivering. No bikinis.
(This will not be strictly enforced)
No foul language.
No eating discoloured snow.
No taking second-rate photos.
No horseplay.
No gossiping.
(Or exchanging keys)
No shoving. No pushing.
No smoking.
No pets that bite.
No littering
No big PDAs. No acronyms.
No Christmas carols.
No diving.
No peeing. No glass.
No peeing into a glass
No panicking.
No name-calling.
No runny noses.
No being bored or cold.
No touching the sculptures.
Have fun. Hold hands. Keep warm.

— KM

Toronto Light Fest

Hey blog, how are you? Not bad, not bad — you? Fan-fucking-tastic, thank you for asking. 10 days ago I ventured out to the beloved Distillery District in the snow. I loved every minute of it.

TorontoLightFestFeb2018TorontoLightFestFeb2018-2TorontoLightFestFeb2018-3TorontoLightFestFeb2018-4

— KM